Humour and Funny
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
How To Treat Various Types Of Guests!
As modernization started grasping folks with choices opening up aplenty, you becoming busy all the time you made the decision that prior intimation before coming is a component of etiquette, and if those norms were violated you bought irritated, embarrassed or maybe angry. Now, let's not analyze the activities that keep you busy nowadays. during this scenario we'll discuss our topic, primarily in context of India which is believed to possess high values of hospitality. And in fact , we'll exclude from our analysis all those uncouth people that treat guests deferentially based only on their rank and file. We'll also not consider the phenomenon of house-guests whose numbers, anyway, are dwindling at a really fast rate because of modernization and business.
Depending on the character of visits there are various sorts of guests who can visit you, but whoever the guest is and whatever be the sort , the essential approach is that you simply must be cordial to all or any of them, smiling at them albeit you're irritated, and you want to always offer them a seat and a glass of water; for the remaining a part of your hospitality you're liberal to decide, and actually , keep ready a manual.
Lots of people visit you on a day to day on matters of errands, consultation or giving a private opinion or message. Technically, they can't be termed as guests because they're not on the brink of you or relate to you in the other way. Therefore, you'll entertain them at the veranda if you've got any or within the chairs closest to main door, and will the visit take a substantial amount of your time you're liberal to offer him/her a cup of tea, not necessarily with biscuits.
Then classmates of your school or college-going children visit your house often for discussions or simply company. Here, the guests normally enter the classroom where your children live. Now, the woman of your house must not ever call her child inside for food meant for him/her only; all must be offered an equivalent food and you want to understand that those kids always come hungry. Your office colleagues or your boss or teachers or tutors or doctors are always held in high esteem and you host them within the better of ways possible, often calling a number of them to possess tea and snacks at the board .
For guests who aren't that close or that distant, but who come regularly like your neighbors you'll host them within the living room offering them tea with snacks. However, they're not qualified to be invited to take a seat at the board , unless amid ladies who are friends of the women of your house, as per you manual perhaps. for a few distant guests who you recognize come for plain time-pass, you'll host them within the veranda and dismiss them with a cup of tea at the foremost .
Your special guests are always the dearest friends and therefore the closest relatives whom you do not even mind coming unannounced. you create them sit within the main room and provides them first a welcome cup of tea. within the meantime, a number of the guests may move round the house to satisfy your children and therefore the ladies getting to the kitchen to satisfy your wife. Then they're all invited to take a seat at the board for home-cooked snacks or meals, with tea or coffee.
Rare exception to such a manual might be some very old friends or distant relatives who happen suddenly during a zeal find and reunite: some strangers coming unannounced on a reference or on a special job, and counting on the character of your interaction a number of them might qualify to take a seat at the board .
Supposing you yourself are staying at your relative's place things may go a touch wayward when guests visit and you get introduced to a number of them, because you're naturally not considerably conscious of the guest-treatment manual adopted by that head of household. for instance , you'll take a case of mine. A guest, perhaps not-so-close-or-not-so-distant, visited my uncle's house where i used to be staying for 2 nights. the top of the household seated him within the veranda, and a few time later involved me for introduction because the guest was well versed in my professional field. The discussion was happening very fine once I had to travel to the bedroom assigned to me to attend to a crucial call. As I came out and was crossing the kitchen my uncle's daughter handed me a steaming cup of tea. I visited the veranda sipping the tea as i used to be wanting to continue the discussion. My uncle searched at me aghast and embarrassed. He said,
"Ah... ! So nice! you bought your tea!"
It was my address get embarrassed as I side-glanced at the guest who, fortunately, was busy together with his discourse or perhaps pretended to not notice anything.
I stormed inside and pulled up my niece for not entertaining the guest first. She smiled awkwardly and went back to the kitchen. Then realization hit me: yes, this particular guest isn't qualified for a cup of tea. However, I felt quite bad and insisted on serving tea to him and uncle.
Guests are an integral a part of our lives, and that we cannot do without them. So often, we await them; so often, we get so delighted to welcome them in. In a way, we are all guests on this planet earth. Mind this!
The Haunted Pajama!
The boss asked me to return around 8 within the evening. Actually, he wasn't my boss, but one among my good friend's. Once once I visited my friend in his office it so happened that the boss came to him on a question , and since i used to be sitting in his cubicle, he introduced me to the boss-a painter by profession, that's to mention . The boss appeared to like me at the very first instance asking me to return to his chamber for a cup of tea. Lively discussions ensued on creative arts, paintings, the marketplace for artistes then on. I found him to be open-minded and barren of any air or ego. So, in a way, I liked him too-at the very first instance, that's to mention .
Later on, I learned from my friend that the boss, in fact, was a really important person in society and had tremendous contacts. Considering my not-too-healthy artistic pursuits in recent times my friend planted a thought in me: why not approach him for a few references, he resides during a posh housing society-just 10-minute walk from my residence. to inform the reality , I needed some connections and references to be ready to hold a solo exhibition within the best gallery of the town and also to require things further in selling my paintings. Naturally then, I clutched at the thought just like the proverbial straw.
I visited the boss again in his chamber on the pretext of meeting my friend and with many beating-around-the-bush I finally raised the topic of somewhat seeking a favor from him. to place me comfortable he was very encouraging and told me that a famous cultural figure lives in one among the apartments of this society; he promised to require me to him. He asked me to offer him a call before coming, preferably on week-ends.
I called him several times within the recent weeks, but always he found an excuse to not having the ability to try to to that thereon day. Although wont to be"> i used to be a touch put-off and frustrated and although i used to be not used to seeking or getting favors in my existential struggles I didn't hand over . and eventually , today he calls me home, and can take me to the good personality. That was some solace to my sense of self-dignity; I looked forward to the promised meeting.
I pressed the doorbell of his first-floor flat, and that i was ushered in by a housemaid. After about ten minutes he appeared beaming at me and dropped himself on the sofa from a substantial height. He was clad during a home-stitched traditional white pajama with a white vest tucked into it. Well, I ponder, it must be due to the humid heat. However, I continue with my thoughts, I do hear a light whirring sound of ACs operational inside: as I shop around , I see an AC during this living room too, but not operating, and therefore the ceiling fan gyrating rather too weakly. Well, I continue still, perhaps the boss avoids expensive ways of treating guests, particularly a non-profitable guest like me. But in any case i used to be a touch disappointed at not finding him ready.
As he continued smiling at me during a rather worryingly relaxed way I managed with a mild query, "Sir, how is everything?... are we getting to see him presently?"
"Oh yes, definitely. But there's no hurry intrinsically , he's as nocturnal as me. Ha! Ha!" he bellowed within the same nonchalant way. And he started chattering on a spread of subjects, often not expecting my response.
After nearly an hour of inane conversation and my growing impatience he exclaims suddenly, "Ah! it is so hot and humid! i actually need a bath! Would you mind if I do?"
"Not in the least Sir! Please do!" I replied with the inner-me not in the least supporting my response.
Half an hour later, around 9.30 within the evening now, he came back and occupied the sofa within the same way. i used to be confounded finding him within the same dress-pajama, and therefore the vest tucked in. And there begun another session of banter, my impatience slowly giving thanks to boiling anger. Another half-hour elapsed when he exclaims again, "Oh damn it! I feel very hungry now. We'll surely attend him, but let him even have his supper. Please bear with me... I must!" He withdrew to the dining room inside. For a fleeting moment I considered storming out. But controlled myself hoping for action finally. I continued sitting there, and that i wasn't welcomed even with a glass of water.
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Just before 11 within the night he entered the living room again fondly caressing his belly; again, he was clad an equivalent way with the drawstring cord of his pajama dangling out dangerously; again, he crashed into the velvety sofa, overwhelmingly relaxed and again he started another session of aimless chatter. I could hold it not .
About perhaps plenty of ire had been accumulating like phlegm at the center of my stomach; now it surged up in great fury and it had been because of my better of efforts that I could allow it only to scratch at my throat and freeze there. The efforts made my countenance rather distorted as I felt my lips curling up gnawing both jaws and my eyes almost bulging out. I somehow managed, "Forget it for today... it's got quite late. Good night!" I moved towards the most door without expecting his response.
"No... no... dear fellow! we will still make it... but if you insist let's roll in the hay next time. Please call me... !" the boss's voice trailed off as I stormed out.
Although i used to be exhaling and inhaling only fury and a temper of the very best order, i could not stop myself from laughing out sort of a mad man on the way back home. I pitied aghast at my apparent helplessness and surrender and pondered why in the least . Well, I decide, one should never do things against one's wishes; one must get on one's own in the least times, odd or maybe ... and keeping exchange of favors cornered .
Friday, July 10, 2020
How to "Prefaricate in Zorg."
As for Zorg, well that's a whole other story. We live in a small town, and we never seem to get rain, new shops, celebrity visits or any events worth mentioning. The weather forcast tells us all week long that we can expect 100% rain, with heavy falls, and we must keep our kids indoors and board up the windows. And we don't even get a cloud; bright blue sky all week long. But a few miles out of town it's raining cats and dogs.
So I realised that long ago, a planet called Zorg passed by too close to the earth. The strong gravity ripped off a piece of Zorg, which fell to earth and embedded itself in the area where I live. So we get Zorgian weather, Zorgian people, Zorgian celebrities (who nobody knows on earth) and strange Zorgian shops selling vetkoek and skilpaaitjies.
So I need to tune in to the Zorgian weather forcast to find out when the rain is coming, but the rogue planet is now so far away in the universe that I can't get a good signal. But in anycase I don't think the Zorgian planet has rain, because the Zorgs have no water in their bodies, but are made up of Zorganium paste.
Sometimes an earthly cloud wanders in here and leaks on our crops, giving them false hope, and they grow a little so they can die later. My vegetable garden looks like death valley in the summer. Just drier and hotter. The tomatoes that managed to survive, because I put a wooden roof over them, look like little red ballbearings. And the pumpkins have a vague resemblance to a granadilla with measles.
We often travel out of Zorg in search of civilisation, and it's a real treat to go into a store and actually find what you're looking for! These places also have water and green plants growing there that are totally unshrivelled.
Zorg has it's advantages, especially if you are a fugitive and don't want anybody to find you, or you want to run some nefarious business that has an untraceable address. Also great for suntanning and solar farms. Just bring your own drinks!
Anyway, enough prefaricating. You must visit us some time so you can realise how lucky you are to live where you do!
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/10250690
Thursday, July 9, 2020
If Lizzo Wrote an Essay About How She Was Feeling
The other day, after hearing Lizzo's "Good As Hell," I began thinking about how this song would appear as an essay. So, I did what any English teacher would do: I wrote the lyrics as an essay.
ESSAY QUESTION: How do you feel about yourself? How can your own experiences help others? Answer both questions in a short essay that includes self-reflection. Think about your own path in life so far before you begin to write.
Good As Hell
An Essay by Lizzo
When I feel pride in my hair and display it to others, I like to ensure that my nails look good as well. I ask others around me if they are feeling as good as I am and then proclaim confidently that I am feeling good as hell. I confirm a couple more times to make sure everyone understands.
The reality is, I'm tired of the drama. Others should move on with their own lives while I live mine, even if it's just wearing a new swimsuit in the pool.
When I see people cry, I tell them that they should wipe their eyes and realize their true potential, however hard it may be. In other words, no one should settle for those who don't love them. If there is no love in a relationship, just walk out the door and move on.
I can relay this advice because I am confident enough to do so. I'm feeling fine, I remind others; I'm feeling fine. I have the hair and the nails to prove it.
Life is short, so when my peers tell me they are stressed, I advise them to remove their shoes, take a deep breath and focus on what truly matters: oneself. There is no fight or long night worth losing sleep over. I should know because I've been through it, and I soon realized that my self-worth is higher than I thought and that I deserved more. In fact, I'm not even worried now. I hope others join me in taking care of themselves and moving on from those who are destructive.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
The "Get Away" Game Show
"And over here, we have a lovely brand-new family for today's game - the Reynold's Family!"
The audience applauded.
"Let's meet the Reynold's family from Akron, Ohio. I see a dad and mom and no children. Sir, What is your name and your pretty wife."
Mr. Reynolds said, "Hi Don. I'm Henry Reynolds, but you can call me 'Bubba'. I work as a clerk at an Exxon gas station, and love, love, love it. This is my very young wife, Katy. She works at 'Deja Vum' a strip dancin' place downtown."
Katy waved to everybody excitedly. Then she blew them a sensual kiss.
Don said, "Woo! What an exciting family! No kids?"
Bubba replied, "No youngins, Don. They'd just get in the way of her business, cause Katy needs her figure for her business. What with all them other men and all... You understand, don't ya, Don?"
"Uh... Yeah I think so."
"We've been married 5 years and... ".
His wife interrupted. "Uh Hon, I need to talk I've got this client... "
"OK! Let's go over here to the Pointdexter Family!" Don yells. Everybody cheered.
"For those who've never seen our show before, the Pointdexters have won straight for the last two years." Applause from the audience.
"Let's get to know them again!" He turned to the bearded man wearing glasses. "Sir, introduce yourself!"
"I am George Peabody Pointdexter and this is my brilliant wife, Louisa-Jayne. We are from Boston, Massachusetts. We both attended Harvard University, and teach there. I have a Ph.d in Astrophysics and Chemistry. Louisa has a Ph.d in Classical Literature and Chinese. However, I loathe to say she ultimately studied for that degree at the lowly Yale University." Louisa rolls her eyes.
"We do have some new news after being on the show. We have a little one on the way. His name will be William and he will go to the best schools and ultimately Harvard... "
"OK, George. We know your story quite well. Now as everybody who has watched this show knows we ask one question to each family. If they tie we ask two other questions until one gets ahead and wins the prize... What prize is that, Ben?"
Ben's voice boomed, "A vacation to historical Israel. Then a short cruise to the Greek Islands, and then to Iran, Iraq and Libya! The total price is $10,000!!"
The Reynolds yelled and clapped at the same time. Katy and Henry bent over and got into a ten second French kiss. The Pointdexters made grody looks on their faces and look at each other.
Don yelled, "OK. Now we have 5 topics today for our mystery questions. One. American Literature, Two. Chemistry Breakthroughs, Three. Mystery Subject! Are you two teams ready??!!!"
The families nodded and the audience applauded.
"OK, Pointdexters. We'll start with you. Which are you going to pick?"
"I can answer that, Don," George replied. "Chemistry Breakthroughs, please." George suddenly felt tense and didn't know why. His neck suddenly began to hurt.
Don looked at the question. "George and Louisa, what two scientists discovered DNA?"
George said as the pain in his neck began to hurt much more severely and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked at the floor, "Ow! This crick hurts!"
"No! I'm sorry! It's 'Crick and Watson!'"
The audience is stunned.
"Now, the next question goes to the Reynolds... What subject do you want to pick."
Katy yelled, "American Literature".
Don replied, "American Literature it is!... Question: What author wrote, 'This Gift of the Magi' and 'The Cop and the Anthem'?"
The Pointdexters smirked since they knew the answer. The Reynolds glared at each other. Tears started to roll down Katy cheeks. She put her head on Henry's shoulder and cried, "Oh,... Henry... "
"That's correct!"
Katy and Henry looked up. The audience was cheering. The Pointdexters moved from their stands. "This was a setup! What about the million dollars you secretly promised us to stay in the game??"
As everyone cheered, Don said, "We have new champions and they're going to the Middle East!"
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/10288897
Monday, July 6, 2020
Midgets Lives Matter
Of course, this movement is "small potatoes" compared to "BLM". "Our group is 'shrinking'." said, Tinee Short, founder of the MLM organization. "We try to get the cops' attention by committing crimes, resist arrest so the cops will try to shoot us. But, we're so small, they keep missing." We also sing in peaceful protest, "We're off to see the Wizard, and "Over the Rainbow" but nobody pays attention to us. We're funded by the "Yellow Brick Road Society" but we have been cut "short" by the "Judy Garland and Toto Fan Club".
Short said, "We plan to go nationwide to spread our 'little' message but we want it to grow. We don't want it to go 'over our heads', but we've got to be heard." She continued, "We get angry when we go into some popular restaurant such as McDonalds and the clerk 'looks down' at us, and said, "you kids want the 'Happy Meal'? Do you want us to 'super-size' your meal'?"
These restaurants just want to harass us. They've really gotten away with programs to mock us with the 'The Big Gulp' Chant, and the 'Super-Size Me' Song."
"Mr. Lollipop" who didn't want us to use his real name is another MLM proponent stated, "The public sees us in the wrong way. They look down and jump to the conclusion that we live like the midgets on the set of "The Wizard of Oz". We don't live in some fairyland like 'Munckinland' where we wear bright, colorful, stupid costumes. We don't sing and dance around with fake sugary scenery. We don't live under fake vegetation, like flowers. We're live in ghettos, trailers and trashy homes. The few who have made a living off of being midgets sold their soul to the tall people in Hollywood."
Lollipop continued, "We get up in the morning, work, have families-some of which are big. We even get married and have kids, like tall people do."
MLM's president, named "Sledgehammer" (not his real name) replied to our interview, "This is how God made us. He created tall people too. But we are forever in the Lord's debt we weren't made any shorter."
Sunday, July 5, 2020
The Banana Breakout
Since her marriage about twenty years back she'd been getting used to a set daily routine. She would rise early from bed, make tea and the meals, see Barun leave for office with the ever-present tiffin box, have her breakfast, then would welcome the housemaid for the domestic clean-up while chatting with her carefree and relaxed; after the housemaid left she would have the rest of the day to herself for relaxing, making phone calls to parents or relatives or her friends till her husband joined around 7 in the evening. Everyday except for holidays and Sundays when the time spent together or the outings seemed heavenly. The arrival of the children, first the daughter after two years of marriage and then the son with a two-year gap, made her routing only tighter, but still giving her the private moments, she was always so fond of. She was a bachelor degree holder, but never really wanted a job, taking care of her household being the most important assignment. And that had been the story of her life as a housewife till four months ago.
Now everything has changed. Every single member of the household would stay put at home: the children would occupy most of the hall of Nandini's one bedroom-hall-kitchen flat with their smartphones often requiring absolute quiet for their online classes; Baurn would sprawl on the bed watching television news as if he were the only one on earth needing to be abreast of happenings the world over and the housemaid would not come. Nandini would remain confined mostly to her humid kitchen cooking and cooking, she was surprised that all of them seemed to be ravenously hungry at all time despite the long idleness, and worse, they'd want newer and newer dishes to be prepared. Nature of Barun's work made work-from-home minimal and whenever he sat down before his desktop in the bedroom, he would complain more of the WIFI net service being monopolized by the children than work.
First Nandini took her routine a natural new-normal, but slowly and steadily got bored and impatient. How could she just go on like this: rise early morning to clean the house before everyone else woke up; then preparing the breakfast-first for her children and then for Barun who rose from bed in an infuriating leisurely way; then she would start preparing for lunch-not able to combine cooking for the night too as the exquisite connoisseurs did not want stale food for any meal; she'd hardly manage a cat-nap as the chattering of the late-rising Barun never ceased; then time for the evening tea for all preferably with a hot snack and by the time she felt a little free it was time for preparing dinner, and when finally past midnight she'd fall flat on the bed like a log the television would still go on.
All essentials came home, that is to say, at the lobby of the society from where these were to be collected which job Barun did generously, delivered from online booking or the local grocery store orders. She'd often encourage Barun to go out for fresh vegetables and fruits from the vendors who served till about 7 in the evening. But he would not budge: he considered himself as the elderly although he was not yet fifty and so would not take any risk, for that very purpose he barred the children too from going out.
Over the days the suffocation became unbearable for Nandini and she was really desperate now. Petty quarrels with her husband started becoming violent eliciting tremendous disapproval and ire from the children. And then she hit upon an idea. It was true that she found the bananas delivered online not at all fresh and hardly lasted two days as all of them gobbled up two or three bananas every morning. She tried with her banana-centrist idea and said to Barun,
"Look Barun! This continuous stay-home without some physical activity is not good for you, it'll slowly decrease your immunity and finally when everything becomes normal, you'll be most likely to get infected the moment you go out. These are not my words, but experts' you know. You must do something to increase your immunity. I'm never free dancing around the house most part of the day and so I don't need to exercise... see, now evening walks are allowed, and you can see how bad the bananas are. You all love bananas! So, go out in the evening, take a stroll, sit the garden and buy fresh bananas from the local vendor-only a little away from our society complex. Please...
It worked to her great relief. Every alternate day gave her the much-needed free moments on the bed-gratefully alone and private. It didn't matter for how long-just fifteen minutes of privacy did wonders for her distressed self. Of course, she never ceased thanking God for keeping them safe and relatively better-off from many others because Barun had his monthly salary still coming. Nandini, a classical homemaker, wished well for all in her family and for all of the whole country and the world...